I need to do better. I will do better. Change begins now.
Alexander O’Neal – Sunshine
As I wonder what I want, and how to attain it, summer grows closer. This is my life, I am an adult, and everything is under my control. This newfound level of awarenesses is as exhilarating as it is terrifying. With no one here to hold my hand and lead the way, I have grown stunted and unsure; I don’t know how to live. It sounds simple enough, but there has to be direction for real progress to be made.
Ralph Tresvant – Sensitivity
What am I living for? Where am I going? Why? There are so many unanswered questions that lead to frustration and depression. I can work, finish school, and find a decent job, but why? There has to be some greater purpose to my existence, some goal that makes it all worthwhile. I don’t know what it is, but I have a hunch…
Christopher Williams – I’m Dreamin’
I feel the urge to settle down, get married, and start a family. Some might say that it’s too early for such a decision, but I believe that it may be time to partner up and father children. So much of what people work toward feels shallow; money and possessions cannot scratch this itch. I need to make a difference. I need to make an impact on this world to feel unlike a waste of space.
Christopher Williams – Every Little Thing U Do
A family can fill this void, love conquers all. I want a loving wife and children, it’s about that time. Nothing else can justify the stress of everyday life, nothing but the love of a family.
I will write.
I must write. I must get into the habit of simply throwing thoughts onto the page. This is how it begins, it’s not pretty. Thoughts come disorganized and unfiltered. Tangled messes of thinking. Half-formed, aborted ideas barely deserving mention. These are my thoughts. I must work them into the gold I wish them to be. Just as a man is raised from a boy, good writing will be reared from this filth.
Filth, is it really? Has writing well eluded me, or have I changed so much that I don’t recognize my written self? The more I think about it, the less clear the solution becomes. This is it, this is writing. Much the same as it has always been, it is I who has changed. It must be.
Grammar? I’ll get to it. Style? I’m working on it. Content? Wracking my worn brain as I type each word. I feel my intellect has waned in the last year. Words grow harder to find, constructing sentences requires more effort, speech is often difficult and tiresome. I don’t know what caused the decline. Maybe it was the drugs. Maybe the lack of social interaction. Maybe an underlying condition undermining any progress. I feel less capable, less intelligent, less clever, slower, duller, lacking insight, generally depreciated.
On the contrary, this could be an awakening. A forced end to my arrogance as I grasp the limits of my fully matured cognitive ability. This is it. This mind, this ability, it’s all I have.
Two steps forward, one step back. Progress is progress, just keep moving. Don’t stop, never give up. HTML and CSS are done, now learn PS. After this, we dive back into design and concept my first self-hosted blog. One day at a time bro…
1. Stop wasting time.
2. One hour of training each day
3. Designing and Coding is life
4. Work out everyday
I am a web designer. I am in excellent shape. I have crisp execution. I am intelligent. I am well read.
Lazy motherfucker, killing him quickly.